Rough start, but it went okay. I had a weird snacking binge when I got home, then I took a nap. I took about 2 hours to psyche myself up to workout. Nothing major, just some old fencing exercises, some basic calisthenics, and I did some standing high-jumps. That was weird.

Sometimes I feel like my legs don't move when I want them to. I don' tknow if it's a training/strength thing or if it's a nerve thing or both. I would entertain both.

Also, I found out I'm capable of throwing an outside crescent kick with both legs without shattering my spine. Progress?

I won't do a calorie count today. It was all over the place. Probably not in excess of 2200, but I had lots of weird food today. Leftover pizza, Triscuits, quesadilla, peanut butter sandwich, mandarin oranges, granola bars... a lot of salt and fat, and some other stuff on the side. I suppose the little victory of the day was acknowledging that I already did that today so take it into account when I choose my food for later in the day.

Two days left of school!

I miss Anna a ton.
--MCSM

Long time no write again! It's three days until my first winter break as a real live, employed teacher! So it's about half a month before the new year, so it's going to be time for me to take stock of the year of o' 10... One thing you may have noticed if you read this thing at ALL is that I hardly post here.

I hardly post on my LJ too. Facebook is the social networking choice of mine for now. Unfortunately it's not much for recreation or self-analysis--it's all a big grok of pictures and what you had for lunch. I say it's not my speed but the ability to refresh ANYTHING makes those dopamines and related chemicals wash over the brain more thoroughly than any WoW session might. So it's about time for those New Year's Resolutions.

My friend Alex just wrote me a long message. It seems to echo a lot of what I've felt lately. This is supposed to be a public account of my own health habits. I have had a LOT of life changes this year and last. I lost a good amount of weight the first half of the year. Once I moved to my new place, I've slowly gained a lot of it back. I'm surprised at how much I have gained back. Though I am healthier than I was just over a year ago, I have certainly "slipped."

So--despite the fact that I have 3 days of work left and then a "vacation" of two weeks, I hope to continue on a good clip of weight loss and good health choices like I was doing last year. Very interesting. Last year I was walking in freezing temperatures to Panera and wondering if I would ever get a teaching job. 400 miles away and a year later, I'm responsible for teaching almost 200 kids how to be healthy and responsible adults. I suppose it's time to do the same for me eh?

It's late right now (12:15. gotta teach in 8 hours). But I'll be dragging my tired ass to the rec center at my apt. complex for the first time (it's December. Sad, right?)

I think I weigh about 223 right now. Maybe more. I actually hit 210 awhile ago. Sloooowly climbed back up. Time to get back down again and actually hit up some fencing now that I should theoretically be able to afford it. It will be fun.

Ducks are waddling into row formation. and since the holidays seem to be my time to lose rather than gain weight, here's hoping I break the 210 mark and then some!

Have a good one. See you tomorrow night.
--MCSM

Long time no write. I got a job, I moved to a new city, and I've been working for about two months now. Whew!

I e-mailed Andy Tulleners, a man who has become the head fencing coach at Cleveland State. I remember fencing him and his brother at Columbus tournaments when I was growing up. They were real fun to fence--both of them had plenty of tricks up their sleeves. It's good to see Andy still throwing steel.

I'm leery of the other fencing clubs--I'm just not used to paying an arm and a leg for lessons, and I'm not used to going into a club to take lesson after lesson--as much as I used to fence I have no idea what it's like to go through a "curriculum." Many fencing coaches have a classical air to them, one that does not sit well with me. I should probably get over it so I can at least have a coach.

Besides, there are a lot of classical principles that I'm sure I don't have in my repertoire. I learned a counter-six flick before I learned a basic bind.

Anyway... glad to find a contact. Gonna start with CSU. We'll see where it goes from there.

210! Time to fence! Bryon got his A. I'm proud and jealous at the same time. I'm glad fencing isn't going anywhere. I dont' know what the new timings are like, but I figure I had to become skilled enough to learn to flick. I need to return to that.

Not too bad.

PBJ-400
Milk--90
Banana-150
--640

Sandwich--520
Apple-80
Baguette-180
--760

Beans--420
Rice + Broccoli--220
--620

Cheese--130
Muffin--70
--190

2300 Calories
Run - 300
Bike-100

400 Calories

1900 Calorie day.

Once more from the top

Haven't written in awhile. Haven't been moving with any sort of driving force in a long time. What does it mean to act according to circumstance? What does it mean to have a life of action, yet not being deluded by false pretenses? By perception? How does one move forward as an expression of what is, rather than chasing ones tail, regardless of who you are?

Begin at the beginning I suppose.

Granola--180
Banana--150
total: 330

Sandwich: 400
Baguette: 180
total 580
Potato chips: 160 (x2)= 320

1230 total
So I got room for one more big meal I spose.

Maybe I'll take a walk tonight. We'll see though. Anna's not feeling very well. I've been pretty wretchedly depressed lately. Don't know why. I should take up some other physical activity. How about cleaning my apartment?

Finances: tonight I need to apply for a job at the YMCA.
Nutrition: Meal @ 700 cal or below
Fitness: Potential walk.

Oh, I think I officially weigh 213 still.

215 lbs.

Breakfast:
nutrigrain bar
.5 banana.

200

Lunch:
1/2 Turkey sandwich no mayo, xtra turkey
cup of chicken noodle
2 baguettes

610
2 choc. chip cookies

Dinner:
4 turkey sausage links
2 eggs
1 tortilla
1 serving italian cheese

670

too much coffee.

bout 1800 today. Not bad. Not healthy, but not bad.

Difficult to keep writing in this when I can see the content. I keep falling off and getting back on and falling off. Hard to keep up., I may be approaching my fitness incorrectly.

I've gotten down to a healthy weight--I slowly got back on the nutrition horse, so perhaps I need to slowly get back on the fitness horse.

Time for more walking :)
--Peace
MCSM

Fencing Training begun in earnest today.

Good on me.
First serious workout of the new year.
5 advance and retreat sprints—just me going 3 advances and 3 retreats as fast as I can. (Wanted to do more but goddamn I’m out of practice) 30 second sprints with 30 second rest.

10 lunges
A little bit of footwork to just work on form

Toe taps/Heel taps—each set, 1 minute and 30 second rest in between

Crunches (3 sets of 10 for each side, 90 total)
10 pushups (shoulder clicking/hurting—gotta be careful)

10 lunges recover forward
10 lunges recover backward
About 15 minutes of walking/running—I ran a mile once I figured out the treadmill.

No bladework tonight. Ingrown toenails bothering me as well. Ugh. .

Ah well, good first night! ISU practice tomorrow night. Not sure how that’s gonna go. Gonna run at any rate. Haven’t decided if I’m walking to work or not yet.

Peace
MCSM

So not much has happened except I've been a total emotional fucking train wreck the past 3 or 4 days. I don't know why exactly--a lot of reminders, tiny things in life that I know are important but just keep piling up. Basically bureaucracy has not only never been my strong suit, but it's often a death knell.

It's so easy for me to lose control in these situations (these situations being navigating paperwork and finances--and navigation is the proper descriptor...) that I become paralyzed. Couple that with a nagging guilty feeling that I need to be productive and not piss away any more of my 20's, and staring down several big things that should be happening but often seem inaccessable, and I become a sobbing, mean-spirited, bluthering mass of deadbeat.

I've felt a lot of weird things lately. Not least of which is the oh-so-satisfying task of cleaning plate-after-plate at work. I dunno, I know that's the wrong perspective, I really do. Monotony is just devastating to me sometimes, and I think I harbor a resentful attitude that my life was not meant to be what it is right now. "From birth to death it's just like this." Yeah, yeah, but I would prefer 'this' to be paid for my toils of the past oh, 8 years and counting... And what the fuck am I still doing at Panera? At least I have lost some weight, but have I advanced in a healthy way? Probably, but still, lots of "work" to be done...

Poor me. So anyway, I sat down with Anna for a bit and started to make a list of things I need to do to at least not be miserable all the time. She has essentially asked me what my drive is. What is motivating me? There is a great quote that she has on her wall--I can't remember where I read it but it basically says that the world needs people who have come alive, so do what makes you come alive.

That's a very hard question for me to answer. I feel like I need to think about this for a long time. I found a few of my old papers a couple of weeks ago--many of them were some variation of the theme "Where will you be in 5 years?" I thought it would be nice to do that paper again, because I'm sure my views have changed. What surprised me was that that question is terrifying to me. I don't know why. I don't know when I became so tentative. It's different than laissez-faire. It's being frozen.

In fencing, you want to be in control of the action--You want your opponent to be forced to choose between several decisions. If I attack you, and it's possible that I could hit you from the left or the right, you have two options. If I can wait until you must choose or get hit, then I should do so. After I observe you trying to block from the left, I go right and hit you.

If it's possible that I can hit you from the top, bottom, left, or right, you have 4 decisions to make. The crucial point of the time to execute the decision is called the decision point. In Motor Learning, there is actually an algorithm for how long it will take for the human brain to process the possible decisions, make one, and physically react. The more decisions the longer it takes to trigger an action.

In every moment of every day there is a decision to be made. It seems to me that one is most likely to become paralyzed when one attempts to weigh the outcomes of all possible paths, particularly when the possible options are beyond fathomability. Some get high off of this immense vastness of possibility, and others become utterly inert and intimidated by it.

I don't know when I went from being satisfied by life's uncertainty to being overwhelmed by it. I don't even know if that's really what's happening. I guess it's something.

It is difficult for me to attend to a "Middle Way" of anything. Applying this concept to nutrition has been rewarding, and easier than I thought, considering a significant contributing factor was my environment. Other aspects of my life appear to be more difficult. I have decisions to make career-wise and life-wise. In one respect I know that I have a supporting, loving partner. I likely have more support elsewhere, but it's difficult to garner support, even from one's significant other, when one does not know what he or she requires to be supported.

Some thoughts. I'll spend the next few days puzzling this one out. Dunno how much you'll hear about it, but it will take awhile. Might take a long time. Maybe I should throw myself at two overtime weeks and quit Panera. Maybe I should just be a sub and work according to my budget needs. Fuck, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I know that's really emo. I just need some work I guess.

I'll probably delete this post--it's existence probably will drag me down (and whoever reads it) when I log in next.

Tomorrow will be much better. Tonight was an improvement by far. I'll just take this one step at a time. I wonder what it's like to actually positively advance myself and not treat myself like I'm a recovering fill-in-the-blank? Why must improvement for my clan always mean "recovery?"

oi. G'night folks. We'll see about that "5 years from now" essay.

--MCSM

So.... had a Frisco Melt, Fries, and Cup o' Chili from Steak n' Shake tonight...

let's pretend it didn't happen. Holy god the calories!

Tomorrow is uber mega awesome health day. 215-218 still. It's time for fitness.
--mcsm

216! But today was a high calorie (low nutrient) day. Probably 2500. Eek.

Tomorrow is better. Also, didn't I say something about getting some goddamn sleep?

Night all!
MCSM

Fencing gear came today!

High tops are a bit snug, but once I got them laced right they felt great. Actually, it's just great to be wearing a pair of shoes that stick the floor and don't yell at my achilles and ankles every time my heel strikes the ground. They are interestingly weighted: not to heavy, not too light.

When I lunged, my hips didn't hurt, like at all. I don't know if this means my hip is getting slightly better, or if I'm wearing the right shoes.

I complain a lot about my hip, but my back knee is something of a concern as well. Everything I've ever read is that it is important to strengthen the muscles around the knee in order to make the knee strong, and to beware of awkward postures and actions. Well fencing is very bizarre for the knees at times, so I must be careful.

From now on I will talk a little less about weight loss and more about my actual training regimen. I have a practice foil, glove and shoes now. So I can do any kind of solo practice work, and I can do footwork drills and exercises with a partner. I can also borrow a mask and jacket from my local club and practice bouting.

You will notice an absurd time on this entry--I stayed up way too late the other night, and now I'm peeling back my sleep schedule so that I'm not too exhausted to do this thing. Also, a lot of what I'm writing about is figuring out what this 'thing' is.

--I've been looking at some fencing tournaments. It's the last half of the season right now. A little less local tournaments, and an increasing amount of national caliber tourneys. To be perfectly honest while I have lost a good amount of weight, I am worried about throwing myself into one of these things because I hurt myself at the last practices I went to because I went at it too hard with little previous conditioning.

So here's my general plan. I find that if I get TOO specific, I fall off the truck and have a hell of a time getting it back, so here's what's on my mind:

Practice as much as possible with local fencers. Be assertive about what kind of work I want to do with them. Bladework, footwork drills. Also, be assertive especially if something is aerobically taxing. It will be very important to push myself to be in good condition, not necessarily push myself past the brink of my conditioning. I must admit I'm a bit older now. That means training smarter AND harder, but not forgetting the smarter part.

Financially it's just not viable to join the USFA in order to enter a lot of these tournaments. It's $50 to be in the organization, and usually about $15-$30 per event. At national-caliber tournaments it's about $30 for the entry fee and THEN $30 per event. I can understand why. The convention centers don't pay for themselves, but still...this is not a cheap hobby sometimes. I don't even have proper pants right now...

Lastly, on the bright side, looking at this year's national tourney schedule, most of the major tournaments are about 3 or 4 states away. They try to rotate them so that fencers all across the country can reasonably participate. I'll expect a tournament or two in St. Louis AND Chicago next year. I will also have a good excuse to go to Ohio to fence in a tournament or two. My brother walked in Desperado style and shot up the Todd Curn in Epee, and never returned. I also hear Byron is kicking names and taking ass. Next year I'll definitely be paying them a visit.

It's time to begin training in earnest. Here's what I want to do:

• Running/aerobic activity regularly. I'm sure Anna will try to rope me into some running with her. I don't know why I'm so resistant to that (accepting help thing? I dunno), but I will try not to be. She can help me with some footwork exercises, actually.
• Acquire free-weights and dyna-bands. Espeically for my knee and hip, I have to seriously condition my muscles in the right way. I can't just fence a bunch unfortunately. I think I'm being honest here. I don't really enjoy weight training. I enjoy tackling people and wrestling, but I don't really like weight training. Though I also don't enjoy running until after I begin doing it. I have run OR weight trained in about 20 lbs., so I wonder what that will be like?
• Take flexibility VERY seriously. I've been stretching haphazardly throughout the day, but I HAVE been stretching every day. The apartment is now spacious enough to throw some kicks and lunges out there, and if I do them slowly, I learn a little more about my body each time.
• Mental work--go through Orlick's stuff, continue being aware of what seems to work best motivationally. Sleep, meditation and work habits will require a lot of awareness.
• Nutrition. I feel like I've done a fairly good job in this area. Doing lots of little calorie burns like parking far away from the store or walking a lot rather than drive or take a ride has done a lot for my weight. I need to be sure that I'm continuing to eat well--I find it interesting that fast food, while delicious, does not seem to be so hard to resist anymore. I think I am seeing results just through minding my nutrition, and since I've become more used to eating decent food, harmful foods actually feel harmful. I had a killer burger today, but I didn't miss the mayo, didn't use a lot of ketchup, and was mindful of my day's nutrition. If I had this for lunch, I would not have done it again for dinner. I need to keep up the good work here.

I'll try to journal how I've worked to improve all of these. At least once a week I'll be entering how I did here. It actually does take awhile to write all this, so I don't want to take up too much time, as I'm working, trying to find a job, working out/fencing, and trying to do other stuff (like play D&D and for gosh-sakes spend some time with my lady-friend once she gets her hind-end back to Normal), but this blog actually has been a decent tool in at least making me consider how I'm treating myself.

This is not my recovery journal any more, it's my training log. Like I said I'm not sure of the logistics of my training regimen quite yet, but I do have some goals:

• Weigh less than 210
• Attain an E rating by November of 2010 (a flexible goal--if I smoke that E then a D will naturally be my next target)
• Compete in two National-level tournaments.
• Compete in the Todd Curn Memorial in foil
• Own a full set of electric and practice gear (technically a financial goal, I know)
• Learn to assemble electric gear.

Okay, it's officially "tomorrow" so I need to hit the hay. After all this, I actually have a very busy day tomorrow. Will probably update Saturday.

--peace, MCSM

Happy New Year!

So it’s been over a week since I last wrote. I’ve been walking a lot, in fact I walked to work every day since Anna left for Ohio. I’m eating moderately well. A few semi-binges which I need to stop calling them that and start calling them “not the best nutritional decisions.”

My fencing shoes and fencing foil and glove should be coming in the mail tomorrow and I intend to actually be here to answer the door! Progress!

I’ve researched several good hip stretched for me. I think they’re going to do me good. They feel great when I do them at night, and I think if not a warm-up then moving around is absolutely required before any stretching.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what my training regimen will look like—the actual skill set I’ll be practicing. I have a feeling I wasn’t taught exactly right. I think I was taught some ‘modern’ iterations of technique that were not necessarily practical in terms of health and maybe even effectiveness. For example, I was taught to go on guard with my weight favoring my back leg by about 60/40. I think this is awful for my hips, and I don’t know if the benefit is that great.

The idea is your leg is already bent so you can shoot forward and hit your target. I think this technique was right for coach, but maybe not for his student who weighed about 60 lbs more than he.

Well, I stayed up way too late talking to my friend from Dayton. New Year’s resolution will involve impulsive behavior and regulating my own life. I’ll have those tomorrow. Expect procrastination to be on the list. As in a problem to solve not a guarantee!

Sleep is very important for health, so I’m gonna go do that now. Wake up before (please god before) the UPS guy gets here with my stuff. 1st workout of the new year is tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Oh, update, I think I’m officially 217. Hoody hoo?