I came to the realization that I was nowhere near how good I could be, and that I hadn't actually tapped ALL of my former coaches' knowledge. And even if I did, if I had gotten to the point where he could not teach me more or improve my game, it would have been totally understandable to seek someone else out.
I think that still applies here. Become as good as possible, and seek out better fencers and coaches as required. Like, duh right?
Still, it's going to come down to my putting the time in, and being super honest competitively. Better start sniffing around now. I have tournaments in the Fall!
--MCSM
Monday, June 6, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Take THAT, Dead Horse!
So I reluctantly publicly comment on the state of my health. Very slow going, but not getting worse? Ugh, why even write about it? But I feel incidentally good about starting anew yet again. Fall seven times, get up eight I guess. I'm reluctant to write about health anymore, at least personal health, because so much of an entry like this requires me to set up a conflict to over come. I've felt for a long time that personal blogging can become a substitute for progress. If I'm sitting in front of my computer, then I'm not being active, and therefore if I'm putting words on the page, it sure looks like I've broken through the pre-contemplation stage to the great beyond of personal success.
Fitness does not feel like a health blog, though it can. It is a feeling. I feel it going away already, like someone telling you what to do. I resent when someone tells me how to be healthy, and I don't know why, but it is a feeling shared by many. When I tell it to myself it becomes a self-loathing process. Is this a bizarre form of psychopathy? I have no idea. But all the tough love and public goal setting doesn't really help. It feels like it does. It may provide a clue as to the orientation of the attribution of my health status, but it is not my health, which is important to remember. I suppose I'm talking to you as well, if you're reading this.
You don't read a lot about people who fail their health quests. Actually, you almost never read about a health blog unless someone was always healthy or formerly unhealthy. Unless you're Ruby. Then you're on your way.
I'm hardly at "Ruby" status. But my identity as a (cough, former, cough) athlete is in tatters, and it's tough to move with any kind of certainty. If you've come this far then you're entertaining the thought of my deficiencies, so deal. I don't want this to be about "poor me I had a Big Mac." So why bother writing? This really is therapeutic. In my own desire for attention and approval, it's an exercise in restraint to NOT tell those most intimate to me that I update it. Like a cryptic facebook status about some people, I have thrown this into a corner of cyberspace for the occasional bored browser, a cyber-addict like me, to click through, highlight, forget, re-read, and move on.
That seems scathing and perhaps unfair. I'm not pessimistic, but I AM trying to be realistic while also maintaining a sense of hope and momentum. I probably shouldn't read books about whether or not we have Free Will during this endeavor. Once I found out being an athlete was a choice it almost killed me. So much of my identity is soldiering on because I have to. A cause projected onto an arbitrary activity can be liberating provided you don't know it's malleable. That shouldn't diminish the meaning, but for me it somehow does. A rebel with out a cause. Or something.
So even though I might sound like a late-20-something clinging desperately to the youthful version of a former self, here goes another round of healthy living. I suppose as a P.E. teacher it's appropriate to function in units that are only a few weeks long before switching to something else. Okay I'm done with that joke, and that attitude.
The best time to start a diet is tomorrow. No more food for me tonight, and a healthy weekend ahead. Let's see how it goes. SMART goal number one: Keep under 2,000 calories and burn 300 through activity tomorrow. SMART goal number two: Wake up before 8am on the weekends. And so on.
Peace,
MCSM
Fitness does not feel like a health blog, though it can. It is a feeling. I feel it going away already, like someone telling you what to do. I resent when someone tells me how to be healthy, and I don't know why, but it is a feeling shared by many. When I tell it to myself it becomes a self-loathing process. Is this a bizarre form of psychopathy? I have no idea. But all the tough love and public goal setting doesn't really help. It feels like it does. It may provide a clue as to the orientation of the attribution of my health status, but it is not my health, which is important to remember. I suppose I'm talking to you as well, if you're reading this.
You don't read a lot about people who fail their health quests. Actually, you almost never read about a health blog unless someone was always healthy or formerly unhealthy. Unless you're Ruby. Then you're on your way.
I'm hardly at "Ruby" status. But my identity as a (cough, former, cough) athlete is in tatters, and it's tough to move with any kind of certainty. If you've come this far then you're entertaining the thought of my deficiencies, so deal. I don't want this to be about "poor me I had a Big Mac." So why bother writing? This really is therapeutic. In my own desire for attention and approval, it's an exercise in restraint to NOT tell those most intimate to me that I update it. Like a cryptic facebook status about some people, I have thrown this into a corner of cyberspace for the occasional bored browser, a cyber-addict like me, to click through, highlight, forget, re-read, and move on.
That seems scathing and perhaps unfair. I'm not pessimistic, but I AM trying to be realistic while also maintaining a sense of hope and momentum. I probably shouldn't read books about whether or not we have Free Will during this endeavor. Once I found out being an athlete was a choice it almost killed me. So much of my identity is soldiering on because I have to. A cause projected onto an arbitrary activity can be liberating provided you don't know it's malleable. That shouldn't diminish the meaning, but for me it somehow does. A rebel with out a cause. Or something.
So even though I might sound like a late-20-something clinging desperately to the youthful version of a former self, here goes another round of healthy living. I suppose as a P.E. teacher it's appropriate to function in units that are only a few weeks long before switching to something else. Okay I'm done with that joke, and that attitude.
The best time to start a diet is tomorrow. No more food for me tonight, and a healthy weekend ahead. Let's see how it goes. SMART goal number one: Keep under 2,000 calories and burn 300 through activity tomorrow. SMART goal number two: Wake up before 8am on the weekends. And so on.
Peace,
MCSM
Monday, March 28, 2011
I seem to be keeping under a 2000 cal/day diet. That is a challenge for me, but lately it hasn't been too bad. I was genuinely inspired by Anna's "volumetrics" TV Spot awhile ago--It really is better to eat a bunch of fruits and veggies and high-water things than to drop 500 calories on a single burrito at Taco Bell.
I've been doing calisthenics a lot, which is new to me, but it is enjoyable. I like that I'm feeling stronger. I've woken up on the right side of 220 for a few mornings in a row now, which tells me I'm making progress. I think the 210's is where I don't look enormous. While I still fall off the truck now and then, it's interesting to me that I can almost sense when momentum happens. I feel like I'm back on a healthy track again.
Trying to put more fruits and veggies in my diet--eating broccoli or a Green Giant steamer whenever I can--making myself eat apples and tangerines whether I want to or not. It's funny there because I never don't enjoy them, but I don't want to start eating them. Like ripping off a band-aid or something bizarre like that.
Anyway, I've been doing a lot of yoga lately, some weight lifting, and calisthenics. I know that I need more aerobics in there. Fencing will do that tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to order some gear soon. It will be nice to own that again. Then I can just wander into any club and get some practice in.
I wonder if it's true that it is cheaper to eat more healthy or less healthy. I wonder if $1.00 cheeseburger is really cheaper than beef and a loaf of bread plus toppings. But then, how sustainable is it, personally or environmentally to have a diet like that?
When I deprive myself of bad food or opportunities to get bad food, I become healthy. When I have a wad of cash burning a hole through my pocket, I eat poorly. It's the same when I visit home or other places. I've been trying to eat canned vegetables and fruits before they go bad, and it makes me eat them, which is really good for me. I will try to keep this up--I need to be careful about skimping on things I will eat and are good for me, and also be careful about splurging on things that are awful for me.
For example, a type of fruit may be expensive, but if I eat it, then it's worth it, no?
I need to say the same thing to myself about classes and exercise--if I participate, how bad can it be?
--Of course, is that any way for someone who wants to earn their USFA rating to talk? Oi... London in 1.5 years. Wowee.
--MCSM
I've been doing calisthenics a lot, which is new to me, but it is enjoyable. I like that I'm feeling stronger. I've woken up on the right side of 220 for a few mornings in a row now, which tells me I'm making progress. I think the 210's is where I don't look enormous. While I still fall off the truck now and then, it's interesting to me that I can almost sense when momentum happens. I feel like I'm back on a healthy track again.
Trying to put more fruits and veggies in my diet--eating broccoli or a Green Giant steamer whenever I can--making myself eat apples and tangerines whether I want to or not. It's funny there because I never don't enjoy them, but I don't want to start eating them. Like ripping off a band-aid or something bizarre like that.
Anyway, I've been doing a lot of yoga lately, some weight lifting, and calisthenics. I know that I need more aerobics in there. Fencing will do that tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to order some gear soon. It will be nice to own that again. Then I can just wander into any club and get some practice in.
I wonder if it's true that it is cheaper to eat more healthy or less healthy. I wonder if $1.00 cheeseburger is really cheaper than beef and a loaf of bread plus toppings. But then, how sustainable is it, personally or environmentally to have a diet like that?
When I deprive myself of bad food or opportunities to get bad food, I become healthy. When I have a wad of cash burning a hole through my pocket, I eat poorly. It's the same when I visit home or other places. I've been trying to eat canned vegetables and fruits before they go bad, and it makes me eat them, which is really good for me. I will try to keep this up--I need to be careful about skimping on things I will eat and are good for me, and also be careful about splurging on things that are awful for me.
For example, a type of fruit may be expensive, but if I eat it, then it's worth it, no?
I need to say the same thing to myself about classes and exercise--if I participate, how bad can it be?
--Of course, is that any way for someone who wants to earn their USFA rating to talk? Oi... London in 1.5 years. Wowee.
--MCSM
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Trying to keep at or under 2000 calories per day. I think my major cheats today was having an extra helping of Triscuits (man, two blog entries in a row where I cite that as something I can't resist... good PR?) and of course I'm slowwwwly taking down Anna's mother's cheesecake. Edit: I've slowwwwly finished Anna's mother's cheesecake.
Today's damage:
Banana + Nature's valley for breakfast: 350
Tuna sandwich + Soup for lunch: 400 + 120= 520
Pasta + Veggies for dinner + Grapes: 350+120+ 150= 620
1490
Triscuit snacks (250)
Ugh, do I have to count the cheesecake? (250)
Still nailed under 2000 somehow hahaha.
Better not ruin that.
K, time for hot tea and bed. This morning's weight: 224.
Today's damage:
Banana + Nature's valley for breakfast: 350
Tuna sandwich + Soup for lunch: 400 + 120= 520
Pasta + Veggies for dinner + Grapes: 350+120+ 150= 620
1490
Triscuit snacks (250)
Ugh, do I have to count the cheesecake? (250)
Still nailed under 2000 somehow hahaha.
Better not ruin that.
K, time for hot tea and bed. This morning's weight: 224.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Rough start, but it went okay. I had a weird snacking binge when I got home, then I took a nap. I took about 2 hours to psyche myself up to workout. Nothing major, just some old fencing exercises, some basic calisthenics, and I did some standing high-jumps. That was weird.
Sometimes I feel like my legs don't move when I want them to. I don' tknow if it's a training/strength thing or if it's a nerve thing or both. I would entertain both.
Also, I found out I'm capable of throwing an outside crescent kick with both legs without shattering my spine. Progress?
I won't do a calorie count today. It was all over the place. Probably not in excess of 2200, but I had lots of weird food today. Leftover pizza, Triscuits, quesadilla, peanut butter sandwich, mandarin oranges, granola bars... a lot of salt and fat, and some other stuff on the side. I suppose the little victory of the day was acknowledging that I already did that today so take it into account when I choose my food for later in the day.
Two days left of school!
I miss Anna a ton.
--MCSM
Sometimes I feel like my legs don't move when I want them to. I don' tknow if it's a training/strength thing or if it's a nerve thing or both. I would entertain both.
Also, I found out I'm capable of throwing an outside crescent kick with both legs without shattering my spine. Progress?
I won't do a calorie count today. It was all over the place. Probably not in excess of 2200, but I had lots of weird food today. Leftover pizza, Triscuits, quesadilla, peanut butter sandwich, mandarin oranges, granola bars... a lot of salt and fat, and some other stuff on the side. I suppose the little victory of the day was acknowledging that I already did that today so take it into account when I choose my food for later in the day.
Two days left of school!
I miss Anna a ton.
--MCSM
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Long time no write again! It's three days until my first winter break as a real live, employed teacher! So it's about half a month before the new year, so it's going to be time for me to take stock of the year of o' 10... One thing you may have noticed if you read this thing at ALL is that I hardly post here.
I hardly post on my LJ too. Facebook is the social networking choice of mine for now. Unfortunately it's not much for recreation or self-analysis--it's all a big grok of pictures and what you had for lunch. I say it's not my speed but the ability to refresh ANYTHING makes those dopamines and related chemicals wash over the brain more thoroughly than any WoW session might. So it's about time for those New Year's Resolutions.
My friend Alex just wrote me a long message. It seems to echo a lot of what I've felt lately. This is supposed to be a public account of my own health habits. I have had a LOT of life changes this year and last. I lost a good amount of weight the first half of the year. Once I moved to my new place, I've slowly gained a lot of it back. I'm surprised at how much I have gained back. Though I am healthier than I was just over a year ago, I have certainly "slipped."
So--despite the fact that I have 3 days of work left and then a "vacation" of two weeks, I hope to continue on a good clip of weight loss and good health choices like I was doing last year. Very interesting. Last year I was walking in freezing temperatures to Panera and wondering if I would ever get a teaching job. 400 miles away and a year later, I'm responsible for teaching almost 200 kids how to be healthy and responsible adults. I suppose it's time to do the same for me eh?
It's late right now (12:15. gotta teach in 8 hours). But I'll be dragging my tired ass to the rec center at my apt. complex for the first time (it's December. Sad, right?)
I think I weigh about 223 right now. Maybe more. I actually hit 210 awhile ago. Sloooowly climbed back up. Time to get back down again and actually hit up some fencing now that I should theoretically be able to afford it. It will be fun.
Ducks are waddling into row formation. and since the holidays seem to be my time to lose rather than gain weight, here's hoping I break the 210 mark and then some!
Have a good one. See you tomorrow night.
--MCSM
I hardly post on my LJ too. Facebook is the social networking choice of mine for now. Unfortunately it's not much for recreation or self-analysis--it's all a big grok of pictures and what you had for lunch. I say it's not my speed but the ability to refresh ANYTHING makes those dopamines and related chemicals wash over the brain more thoroughly than any WoW session might. So it's about time for those New Year's Resolutions.
My friend Alex just wrote me a long message. It seems to echo a lot of what I've felt lately. This is supposed to be a public account of my own health habits. I have had a LOT of life changes this year and last. I lost a good amount of weight the first half of the year. Once I moved to my new place, I've slowly gained a lot of it back. I'm surprised at how much I have gained back. Though I am healthier than I was just over a year ago, I have certainly "slipped."
So--despite the fact that I have 3 days of work left and then a "vacation" of two weeks, I hope to continue on a good clip of weight loss and good health choices like I was doing last year. Very interesting. Last year I was walking in freezing temperatures to Panera and wondering if I would ever get a teaching job. 400 miles away and a year later, I'm responsible for teaching almost 200 kids how to be healthy and responsible adults. I suppose it's time to do the same for me eh?
It's late right now (12:15. gotta teach in 8 hours). But I'll be dragging my tired ass to the rec center at my apt. complex for the first time (it's December. Sad, right?)
I think I weigh about 223 right now. Maybe more. I actually hit 210 awhile ago. Sloooowly climbed back up. Time to get back down again and actually hit up some fencing now that I should theoretically be able to afford it. It will be fun.
Ducks are waddling into row formation. and since the holidays seem to be my time to lose rather than gain weight, here's hoping I break the 210 mark and then some!
Have a good one. See you tomorrow night.
--MCSM
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Long time no write. I got a job, I moved to a new city, and I've been working for about two months now. Whew!
I e-mailed Andy Tulleners, a man who has become the head fencing coach at Cleveland State. I remember fencing him and his brother at Columbus tournaments when I was growing up. They were real fun to fence--both of them had plenty of tricks up their sleeves. It's good to see Andy still throwing steel.
I'm leery of the other fencing clubs--I'm just not used to paying an arm and a leg for lessons, and I'm not used to going into a club to take lesson after lesson--as much as I used to fence I have no idea what it's like to go through a "curriculum." Many fencing coaches have a classical air to them, one that does not sit well with me. I should probably get over it so I can at least have a coach.
Besides, there are a lot of classical principles that I'm sure I don't have in my repertoire. I learned a counter-six flick before I learned a basic bind.
Anyway... glad to find a contact. Gonna start with CSU. We'll see where it goes from there.
I e-mailed Andy Tulleners, a man who has become the head fencing coach at Cleveland State. I remember fencing him and his brother at Columbus tournaments when I was growing up. They were real fun to fence--both of them had plenty of tricks up their sleeves. It's good to see Andy still throwing steel.
I'm leery of the other fencing clubs--I'm just not used to paying an arm and a leg for lessons, and I'm not used to going into a club to take lesson after lesson--as much as I used to fence I have no idea what it's like to go through a "curriculum." Many fencing coaches have a classical air to them, one that does not sit well with me. I should probably get over it so I can at least have a coach.
Besides, there are a lot of classical principles that I'm sure I don't have in my repertoire. I learned a counter-six flick before I learned a basic bind.
Anyway... glad to find a contact. Gonna start with CSU. We'll see where it goes from there.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Not too bad.
PBJ-400
Milk--90
Banana-150
--640
Sandwich--520
Apple-80
Baguette-180
--760
Beans--420
Rice + Broccoli--220
--620
Cheese--130
Muffin--70
--190
2300 Calories
Run - 300
Bike-100
400 Calories
1900 Calorie day.
Milk--90
Banana-150
--640
Sandwich--520
Apple-80
Baguette-180
--760
Beans--420
Rice + Broccoli--220
--620
Cheese--130
Muffin--70
--190
2300 Calories
Run - 300
Bike-100
400 Calories
1900 Calorie day.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Once more from the top
Haven't written in awhile. Haven't been moving with any sort of driving force in a long time. What does it mean to act according to circumstance? What does it mean to have a life of action, yet not being deluded by false pretenses? By perception? How does one move forward as an expression of what is, rather than chasing ones tail, regardless of who you are?
Begin at the beginning I suppose.
Granola--180
Banana--150
total: 330
Sandwich: 400
Baguette: 180
total 580
Potato chips: 160 (x2)= 320
1230 total
So I got room for one more big meal I spose.
Maybe I'll take a walk tonight. We'll see though. Anna's not feeling very well. I've been pretty wretchedly depressed lately. Don't know why. I should take up some other physical activity. How about cleaning my apartment?
Finances: tonight I need to apply for a job at the YMCA.
Nutrition: Meal @ 700 cal or below
Fitness: Potential walk.
Oh, I think I officially weigh 213 still.
Begin at the beginning I suppose.
Granola--180
Banana--150
total: 330
Sandwich: 400
Baguette: 180
total 580
Potato chips: 160 (x2)= 320
1230 total
So I got room for one more big meal I spose.
Maybe I'll take a walk tonight. We'll see though. Anna's not feeling very well. I've been pretty wretchedly depressed lately. Don't know why. I should take up some other physical activity. How about cleaning my apartment?
Finances: tonight I need to apply for a job at the YMCA.
Nutrition: Meal @ 700 cal or below
Fitness: Potential walk.
Oh, I think I officially weigh 213 still.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Difficult to keep writing in this when I can see the content. I keep falling off and getting back on and falling off. Hard to keep up., I may be approaching my fitness incorrectly.
I've gotten down to a healthy weight--I slowly got back on the nutrition horse, so perhaps I need to slowly get back on the fitness horse.
Time for more walking :)
--Peace
MCSM
I've gotten down to a healthy weight--I slowly got back on the nutrition horse, so perhaps I need to slowly get back on the fitness horse.
Time for more walking :)
--Peace
MCSM
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Fencing Training begun in earnest today.
Good on me.
First serious workout of the new year.
5 advance and retreat sprints—just me going 3 advances and 3 retreats as fast as I can. (Wanted to do more but goddamn I’m out of practice) 30 second sprints with 30 second rest.
10 lunges
A little bit of footwork to just work on form
Toe taps/Heel taps—each set, 1 minute and 30 second rest in between
Crunches (3 sets of 10 for each side, 90 total)
10 pushups (shoulder clicking/hurting—gotta be careful)
10 lunges recover forward
10 lunges recover backward
About 15 minutes of walking/running—I ran a mile once I figured out the treadmill.
No bladework tonight. Ingrown toenails bothering me as well. Ugh. .
Ah well, good first night! ISU practice tomorrow night. Not sure how that’s gonna go. Gonna run at any rate. Haven’t decided if I’m walking to work or not yet.
Peace
MCSM
First serious workout of the new year.
5 advance and retreat sprints—just me going 3 advances and 3 retreats as fast as I can. (Wanted to do more but goddamn I’m out of practice) 30 second sprints with 30 second rest.
10 lunges
A little bit of footwork to just work on form
Toe taps/Heel taps—each set, 1 minute and 30 second rest in between
Crunches (3 sets of 10 for each side, 90 total)
10 pushups (shoulder clicking/hurting—gotta be careful)
10 lunges recover forward
10 lunges recover backward
About 15 minutes of walking/running—I ran a mile once I figured out the treadmill.
No bladework tonight. Ingrown toenails bothering me as well. Ugh. .
Ah well, good first night! ISU practice tomorrow night. Not sure how that’s gonna go. Gonna run at any rate. Haven’t decided if I’m walking to work or not yet.
Peace
MCSM
Sunday, January 17, 2010
So not much has happened except I've been a total emotional fucking train wreck the past 3 or 4 days. I don't know why exactly--a lot of reminders, tiny things in life that I know are important but just keep piling up. Basically bureaucracy has not only never been my strong suit, but it's often a death knell.
It's so easy for me to lose control in these situations (these situations being navigating paperwork and finances--and navigation is the proper descriptor...) that I become paralyzed. Couple that with a nagging guilty feeling that I need to be productive and not piss away any more of my 20's, and staring down several big things that should be happening but often seem inaccessable, and I become a sobbing, mean-spirited, bluthering mass of deadbeat.
I've felt a lot of weird things lately. Not least of which is the oh-so-satisfying task of cleaning plate-after-plate at work. I dunno, I know that's the wrong perspective, I really do. Monotony is just devastating to me sometimes, and I think I harbor a resentful attitude that my life was not meant to be what it is right now. "From birth to death it's just like this." Yeah, yeah, but I would prefer 'this' to be paid for my toils of the past oh, 8 years and counting... And what the fuck am I still doing at Panera? At least I have lost some weight, but have I advanced in a healthy way? Probably, but still, lots of "work" to be done...
Poor me. So anyway, I sat down with Anna for a bit and started to make a list of things I need to do to at least not be miserable all the time. She has essentially asked me what my drive is. What is motivating me? There is a great quote that she has on her wall--I can't remember where I read it but it basically says that the world needs people who have come alive, so do what makes you come alive.
That's a very hard question for me to answer. I feel like I need to think about this for a long time. I found a few of my old papers a couple of weeks ago--many of them were some variation of the theme "Where will you be in 5 years?" I thought it would be nice to do that paper again, because I'm sure my views have changed. What surprised me was that that question is terrifying to me. I don't know why. I don't know when I became so tentative. It's different than laissez-faire. It's being frozen.
In fencing, you want to be in control of the action--You want your opponent to be forced to choose between several decisions. If I attack you, and it's possible that I could hit you from the left or the right, you have two options. If I can wait until you must choose or get hit, then I should do so. After I observe you trying to block from the left, I go right and hit you.
If it's possible that I can hit you from the top, bottom, left, or right, you have 4 decisions to make. The crucial point of the time to execute the decision is called the decision point. In Motor Learning, there is actually an algorithm for how long it will take for the human brain to process the possible decisions, make one, and physically react. The more decisions the longer it takes to trigger an action.
In every moment of every day there is a decision to be made. It seems to me that one is most likely to become paralyzed when one attempts to weigh the outcomes of all possible paths, particularly when the possible options are beyond fathomability. Some get high off of this immense vastness of possibility, and others become utterly inert and intimidated by it.
I don't know when I went from being satisfied by life's uncertainty to being overwhelmed by it. I don't even know if that's really what's happening. I guess it's something.
It is difficult for me to attend to a "Middle Way" of anything. Applying this concept to nutrition has been rewarding, and easier than I thought, considering a significant contributing factor was my environment. Other aspects of my life appear to be more difficult. I have decisions to make career-wise and life-wise. In one respect I know that I have a supporting, loving partner. I likely have more support elsewhere, but it's difficult to garner support, even from one's significant other, when one does not know what he or she requires to be supported.
Some thoughts. I'll spend the next few days puzzling this one out. Dunno how much you'll hear about it, but it will take awhile. Might take a long time. Maybe I should throw myself at two overtime weeks and quit Panera. Maybe I should just be a sub and work according to my budget needs. Fuck, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I know that's really emo. I just need some work I guess.
I'll probably delete this post--it's existence probably will drag me down (and whoever reads it) when I log in next.
Tomorrow will be much better. Tonight was an improvement by far. I'll just take this one step at a time. I wonder what it's like to actually positively advance myself and not treat myself like I'm a recovering fill-in-the-blank? Why must improvement for my clan always mean "recovery?"
oi. G'night folks. We'll see about that "5 years from now" essay.
--MCSM
It's so easy for me to lose control in these situations (these situations being navigating paperwork and finances--and navigation is the proper descriptor...) that I become paralyzed. Couple that with a nagging guilty feeling that I need to be productive and not piss away any more of my 20's, and staring down several big things that should be happening but often seem inaccessable, and I become a sobbing, mean-spirited, bluthering mass of deadbeat.
I've felt a lot of weird things lately. Not least of which is the oh-so-satisfying task of cleaning plate-after-plate at work. I dunno, I know that's the wrong perspective, I really do. Monotony is just devastating to me sometimes, and I think I harbor a resentful attitude that my life was not meant to be what it is right now. "From birth to death it's just like this." Yeah, yeah, but I would prefer 'this' to be paid for my toils of the past oh, 8 years and counting... And what the fuck am I still doing at Panera? At least I have lost some weight, but have I advanced in a healthy way? Probably, but still, lots of "work" to be done...
Poor me. So anyway, I sat down with Anna for a bit and started to make a list of things I need to do to at least not be miserable all the time. She has essentially asked me what my drive is. What is motivating me? There is a great quote that she has on her wall--I can't remember where I read it but it basically says that the world needs people who have come alive, so do what makes you come alive.
That's a very hard question for me to answer. I feel like I need to think about this for a long time. I found a few of my old papers a couple of weeks ago--many of them were some variation of the theme "Where will you be in 5 years?" I thought it would be nice to do that paper again, because I'm sure my views have changed. What surprised me was that that question is terrifying to me. I don't know why. I don't know when I became so tentative. It's different than laissez-faire. It's being frozen.
In fencing, you want to be in control of the action--You want your opponent to be forced to choose between several decisions. If I attack you, and it's possible that I could hit you from the left or the right, you have two options. If I can wait until you must choose or get hit, then I should do so. After I observe you trying to block from the left, I go right and hit you.
If it's possible that I can hit you from the top, bottom, left, or right, you have 4 decisions to make. The crucial point of the time to execute the decision is called the decision point. In Motor Learning, there is actually an algorithm for how long it will take for the human brain to process the possible decisions, make one, and physically react. The more decisions the longer it takes to trigger an action.
In every moment of every day there is a decision to be made. It seems to me that one is most likely to become paralyzed when one attempts to weigh the outcomes of all possible paths, particularly when the possible options are beyond fathomability. Some get high off of this immense vastness of possibility, and others become utterly inert and intimidated by it.
I don't know when I went from being satisfied by life's uncertainty to being overwhelmed by it. I don't even know if that's really what's happening. I guess it's something.
It is difficult for me to attend to a "Middle Way" of anything. Applying this concept to nutrition has been rewarding, and easier than I thought, considering a significant contributing factor was my environment. Other aspects of my life appear to be more difficult. I have decisions to make career-wise and life-wise. In one respect I know that I have a supporting, loving partner. I likely have more support elsewhere, but it's difficult to garner support, even from one's significant other, when one does not know what he or she requires to be supported.
Some thoughts. I'll spend the next few days puzzling this one out. Dunno how much you'll hear about it, but it will take awhile. Might take a long time. Maybe I should throw myself at two overtime weeks and quit Panera. Maybe I should just be a sub and work according to my budget needs. Fuck, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I know that's really emo. I just need some work I guess.
I'll probably delete this post--it's existence probably will drag me down (and whoever reads it) when I log in next.
Tomorrow will be much better. Tonight was an improvement by far. I'll just take this one step at a time. I wonder what it's like to actually positively advance myself and not treat myself like I'm a recovering fill-in-the-blank? Why must improvement for my clan always mean "recovery?"
oi. G'night folks. We'll see about that "5 years from now" essay.
--MCSM
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Fencing gear came today!
High tops are a bit snug, but once I got them laced right they felt great. Actually, it's just great to be wearing a pair of shoes that stick the floor and don't yell at my achilles and ankles every time my heel strikes the ground. They are interestingly weighted: not to heavy, not too light.
When I lunged, my hips didn't hurt, like at all. I don't know if this means my hip is getting slightly better, or if I'm wearing the right shoes.
I complain a lot about my hip, but my back knee is something of a concern as well. Everything I've ever read is that it is important to strengthen the muscles around the knee in order to make the knee strong, and to beware of awkward postures and actions. Well fencing is very bizarre for the knees at times, so I must be careful.
From now on I will talk a little less about weight loss and more about my actual training regimen. I have a practice foil, glove and shoes now. So I can do any kind of solo practice work, and I can do footwork drills and exercises with a partner. I can also borrow a mask and jacket from my local club and practice bouting.
You will notice an absurd time on this entry--I stayed up way too late the other night, and now I'm peeling back my sleep schedule so that I'm not too exhausted to do this thing. Also, a lot of what I'm writing about is figuring out what this 'thing' is.
--I've been looking at some fencing tournaments. It's the last half of the season right now. A little less local tournaments, and an increasing amount of national caliber tourneys. To be perfectly honest while I have lost a good amount of weight, I am worried about throwing myself into one of these things because I hurt myself at the last practices I went to because I went at it too hard with little previous conditioning.
So here's my general plan. I find that if I get TOO specific, I fall off the truck and have a hell of a time getting it back, so here's what's on my mind:
Practice as much as possible with local fencers. Be assertive about what kind of work I want to do with them. Bladework, footwork drills. Also, be assertive especially if something is aerobically taxing. It will be very important to push myself to be in good condition, not necessarily push myself past the brink of my conditioning. I must admit I'm a bit older now. That means training smarter AND harder, but not forgetting the smarter part.
Financially it's just not viable to join the USFA in order to enter a lot of these tournaments. It's $50 to be in the organization, and usually about $15-$30 per event. At national-caliber tournaments it's about $30 for the entry fee and THEN $30 per event. I can understand why. The convention centers don't pay for themselves, but still...this is not a cheap hobby sometimes. I don't even have proper pants right now...
Lastly, on the bright side, looking at this year's national tourney schedule, most of the major tournaments are about 3 or 4 states away. They try to rotate them so that fencers all across the country can reasonably participate. I'll expect a tournament or two in St. Louis AND Chicago next year. I will also have a good excuse to go to Ohio to fence in a tournament or two. My brother walked in Desperado style and shot up the Todd Curn in Epee, and never returned. I also hear Byron is kicking names and taking ass. Next year I'll definitely be paying them a visit.
It's time to begin training in earnest. Here's what I want to do:
When I lunged, my hips didn't hurt, like at all. I don't know if this means my hip is getting slightly better, or if I'm wearing the right shoes.
I complain a lot about my hip, but my back knee is something of a concern as well. Everything I've ever read is that it is important to strengthen the muscles around the knee in order to make the knee strong, and to beware of awkward postures and actions. Well fencing is very bizarre for the knees at times, so I must be careful.
From now on I will talk a little less about weight loss and more about my actual training regimen. I have a practice foil, glove and shoes now. So I can do any kind of solo practice work, and I can do footwork drills and exercises with a partner. I can also borrow a mask and jacket from my local club and practice bouting.
You will notice an absurd time on this entry--I stayed up way too late the other night, and now I'm peeling back my sleep schedule so that I'm not too exhausted to do this thing. Also, a lot of what I'm writing about is figuring out what this 'thing' is.
--I've been looking at some fencing tournaments. It's the last half of the season right now. A little less local tournaments, and an increasing amount of national caliber tourneys. To be perfectly honest while I have lost a good amount of weight, I am worried about throwing myself into one of these things because I hurt myself at the last practices I went to because I went at it too hard with little previous conditioning.
So here's my general plan. I find that if I get TOO specific, I fall off the truck and have a hell of a time getting it back, so here's what's on my mind:
Practice as much as possible with local fencers. Be assertive about what kind of work I want to do with them. Bladework, footwork drills. Also, be assertive especially if something is aerobically taxing. It will be very important to push myself to be in good condition, not necessarily push myself past the brink of my conditioning. I must admit I'm a bit older now. That means training smarter AND harder, but not forgetting the smarter part.
Financially it's just not viable to join the USFA in order to enter a lot of these tournaments. It's $50 to be in the organization, and usually about $15-$30 per event. At national-caliber tournaments it's about $30 for the entry fee and THEN $30 per event. I can understand why. The convention centers don't pay for themselves, but still...this is not a cheap hobby sometimes. I don't even have proper pants right now...
Lastly, on the bright side, looking at this year's national tourney schedule, most of the major tournaments are about 3 or 4 states away. They try to rotate them so that fencers all across the country can reasonably participate. I'll expect a tournament or two in St. Louis AND Chicago next year. I will also have a good excuse to go to Ohio to fence in a tournament or two. My brother walked in Desperado style and shot up the Todd Curn in Epee, and never returned. I also hear Byron is kicking names and taking ass. Next year I'll definitely be paying them a visit.
It's time to begin training in earnest. Here's what I want to do:
- Running/aerobic activity regularly. I'm sure Anna will try to rope me into some running with her. I don't know why I'm so resistant to that (accepting help thing? I dunno), but I will try not to be. She can help me with some footwork exercises, actually.
- Acquire free-weights and dyna-bands. Espeically for my knee and hip, I have to seriously condition my muscles in the right way. I can't just fence a bunch unfortunately. I think I'm being honest here. I don't really enjoy weight training. I enjoy tackling people and wrestling, but I don't really like weight training. Though I also don't enjoy running until after I begin doing it. I have run OR weight trained in about 20 lbs., so I wonder what that will be like?
- Take flexibility VERY seriously. I've been stretching haphazardly throughout the day, but I HAVE been stretching every day. The apartment is now spacious enough to throw some kicks and lunges out there, and if I do them slowly, I learn a little more about my body each time.
- Mental work--go through Orlick's stuff, continue being aware of what seems to work best motivationally. Sleep, meditation and work habits will require a lot of awareness.
- Nutrition. I feel like I've done a fairly good job in this area. Doing lots of little calorie burns like parking far away from the store or walking a lot rather than drive or take a ride has done a lot for my weight. I need to be sure that I'm continuing to eat well--I find it interesting that fast food, while delicious, does not seem to be so hard to resist anymore. I think I am seeing results just through minding my nutrition, and since I've become more used to eating decent food, harmful foods actually feel harmful. I had a killer burger today, but I didn't miss the mayo, didn't use a lot of ketchup, and was mindful of my day's nutrition. If I had this for lunch, I would not have done it again for dinner. I need to keep up the good work here.
I'll try to journal how I've worked to improve all of these. At least once a week I'll be entering how I did here. It actually does take awhile to write all this, so I don't want to take up too much time, as I'm working, trying to find a job, working out/fencing, and trying to do other stuff (like play D&D and for gosh-sakes spend some time with my lady-friend once she gets her hind-end back to Normal), but this blog actually has been a decent tool in at least making me consider how I'm treating myself.
This is not my recovery journal any more, it's my training log. Like I said I'm not sure of the logistics of my training regimen quite yet, but I do have some goals:
- Weigh less than 210
- Attain an E rating by November of 2010 (a flexible goal--if I smoke that E then a D will naturally be my next target)
- Compete in two National-level tournaments.
- Compete in the Todd Curn Memorial in foil
- Own a full set of electric and practice gear (technically a financial goal, I know)
- Learn to assemble electric gear.
Okay, it's officially "tomorrow" so I need to hit the hay. After all this, I actually have a very busy day tomorrow. Will probably update Saturday.
--peace, MCSM
Monday, January 4, 2010
Happy New Year!
So it’s been over a week since I last wrote. I’ve been walking a lot, in fact I walked to work every day since Anna left for Ohio. I’m eating moderately well. A few semi-binges which I need to stop calling them that and start calling them “not the best nutritional decisions.”
My fencing shoes and fencing foil and glove should be coming in the mail tomorrow and I intend to actually be here to answer the door! Progress!
I’ve researched several good hip stretched for me. I think they’re going to do me good. They feel great when I do them at night, and I think if not a warm-up then moving around is absolutely required before any stretching.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my training regimen will look like—the actual skill set I’ll be practicing. I have a feeling I wasn’t taught exactly right. I think I was taught some ‘modern’ iterations of technique that were not necessarily practical in terms of health and maybe even effectiveness. For example, I was taught to go on guard with my weight favoring my back leg by about 60/40. I think this is awful for my hips, and I don’t know if the benefit is that great.
The idea is your leg is already bent so you can shoot forward and hit your target. I think this technique was right for coach, but maybe not for his student who weighed about 60 lbs more than he.
Well, I stayed up way too late talking to my friend from Dayton. New Year’s resolution will involve impulsive behavior and regulating my own life. I’ll have those tomorrow. Expect procrastination to be on the list. As in a problem to solve not a guarantee!
Sleep is very important for health, so I’m gonna go do that now. Wake up before (please god before) the UPS guy gets here with my stuff. 1st workout of the new year is tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Oh, update, I think I’m officially 217. Hoody hoo?
My fencing shoes and fencing foil and glove should be coming in the mail tomorrow and I intend to actually be here to answer the door! Progress!
I’ve researched several good hip stretched for me. I think they’re going to do me good. They feel great when I do them at night, and I think if not a warm-up then moving around is absolutely required before any stretching.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what my training regimen will look like—the actual skill set I’ll be practicing. I have a feeling I wasn’t taught exactly right. I think I was taught some ‘modern’ iterations of technique that were not necessarily practical in terms of health and maybe even effectiveness. For example, I was taught to go on guard with my weight favoring my back leg by about 60/40. I think this is awful for my hips, and I don’t know if the benefit is that great.
The idea is your leg is already bent so you can shoot forward and hit your target. I think this technique was right for coach, but maybe not for his student who weighed about 60 lbs more than he.
Well, I stayed up way too late talking to my friend from Dayton. New Year’s resolution will involve impulsive behavior and regulating my own life. I’ll have those tomorrow. Expect procrastination to be on the list. As in a problem to solve not a guarantee!
Sleep is very important for health, so I’m gonna go do that now. Wake up before (please god before) the UPS guy gets here with my stuff. 1st workout of the new year is tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Oh, update, I think I’m officially 217. Hoody hoo?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Whew, Hello
Hi. I was going to write a post about how motivated I feel to exercise and practice fencing, but now that it's so late I just feel drained and dreading tomorrow's early work-day. I believe i'm 217-218 right now.
I said about a year and half ago or more that when I hit 210 I was going to do fencing and badminton. I got a little antsy and couldnt' wait anymore for the fencing. So I decided to order about $200 worth of gear. One of the things they say that locks you into a program is making an investment in it!
So, even though I'll be dog tired tomorrow and the snow is really coming down out there, I've made a monetary investment in the sport of fencing that I hope will take me far. I've begun stretching like Cara's mom showed me, though it will help when Anna is here because many of them are facilitated (partner) stretches. I've just been trying to work the ol' legs out in the meantime, doing splits and lunges and stuff--god it's amazing what hurts me. It's not just getting old, I have a problem, which is very bothersome.
I think I found out how to stretch before a fencing tournament, and I think I will be a little nicer to myself when I lunge--I used to go all out and bang my foot against the ground and really stretch my groin/hip when I threw myself at an opponent. That could be why I'm having problems now? lol.
Anyway, It's 2009. 10 years ago I won the State High School Championship. That's a long time ago. But for 1/3 of my life I've been wondering how far I can go in this sport. Fencing is nice because even though joints and flexibility matter, you're not out once you're older. I'm not THAT old yet, but given the amount of practice hours it takes to become 'elite...' well, let's just say I may be by the time I get there.
No one becomes great over night, but I want to see how far I can go. Who knows what rating or awards are in my future? I'm confident that I can get my E, probably my D, by November of 2010. I think there's some timing and technique I have to get back, but I think I can pull it off. After the D, pursuit of the C... and I'll be a contender at Nats again.
It's been 9 or 10 years since I've been on the scene seriously. I have no idea what advances in the game have been made, except the thorny issue of changing the timing. For all I know foils aren't made the same way anymore (though I'm sure they are).
218 lbs. Overweight now. Fencing is a chance to continue that drop, but it's not the only one. There's badminton, walking, running and of course nutrition. These are all doing good things for me. Here's to keeping them coming.
Expect this blog to take on more of a chronicle of training as that goes. I'm going to try to use this blog to keep myself accountable. It's nice because if it's missing entries, I know that I haven't been thinking about it, and if I write the same excuses or any excuses, I'll know to make myself accountable.
Speaking of responsibility, if I dont sleep now I'll be utterly worthless tomorrow. God it's white out!
nite!
mcsm
I said about a year and half ago or more that when I hit 210 I was going to do fencing and badminton. I got a little antsy and couldnt' wait anymore for the fencing. So I decided to order about $200 worth of gear. One of the things they say that locks you into a program is making an investment in it!
So, even though I'll be dog tired tomorrow and the snow is really coming down out there, I've made a monetary investment in the sport of fencing that I hope will take me far. I've begun stretching like Cara's mom showed me, though it will help when Anna is here because many of them are facilitated (partner) stretches. I've just been trying to work the ol' legs out in the meantime, doing splits and lunges and stuff--god it's amazing what hurts me. It's not just getting old, I have a problem, which is very bothersome.
I think I found out how to stretch before a fencing tournament, and I think I will be a little nicer to myself when I lunge--I used to go all out and bang my foot against the ground and really stretch my groin/hip when I threw myself at an opponent. That could be why I'm having problems now? lol.
Anyway, It's 2009. 10 years ago I won the State High School Championship. That's a long time ago. But for 1/3 of my life I've been wondering how far I can go in this sport. Fencing is nice because even though joints and flexibility matter, you're not out once you're older. I'm not THAT old yet, but given the amount of practice hours it takes to become 'elite...' well, let's just say I may be by the time I get there.
No one becomes great over night, but I want to see how far I can go. Who knows what rating or awards are in my future? I'm confident that I can get my E, probably my D, by November of 2010. I think there's some timing and technique I have to get back, but I think I can pull it off. After the D, pursuit of the C... and I'll be a contender at Nats again.
It's been 9 or 10 years since I've been on the scene seriously. I have no idea what advances in the game have been made, except the thorny issue of changing the timing. For all I know foils aren't made the same way anymore (though I'm sure they are).
218 lbs. Overweight now. Fencing is a chance to continue that drop, but it's not the only one. There's badminton, walking, running and of course nutrition. These are all doing good things for me. Here's to keeping them coming.
Expect this blog to take on more of a chronicle of training as that goes. I'm going to try to use this blog to keep myself accountable. It's nice because if it's missing entries, I know that I haven't been thinking about it, and if I write the same excuses or any excuses, I'll know to make myself accountable.
Speaking of responsibility, if I dont sleep now I'll be utterly worthless tomorrow. God it's white out!
nite!
mcsm
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
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