So not much has happened except I've been a total emotional fucking train wreck the past 3 or 4 days. I don't know why exactly--a lot of reminders, tiny things in life that I know are important but just keep piling up. Basically bureaucracy has not only never been my strong suit, but it's often a death knell.

It's so easy for me to lose control in these situations (these situations being navigating paperwork and finances--and navigation is the proper descriptor...) that I become paralyzed. Couple that with a nagging guilty feeling that I need to be productive and not piss away any more of my 20's, and staring down several big things that should be happening but often seem inaccessable, and I become a sobbing, mean-spirited, bluthering mass of deadbeat.

I've felt a lot of weird things lately. Not least of which is the oh-so-satisfying task of cleaning plate-after-plate at work. I dunno, I know that's the wrong perspective, I really do. Monotony is just devastating to me sometimes, and I think I harbor a resentful attitude that my life was not meant to be what it is right now. "From birth to death it's just like this." Yeah, yeah, but I would prefer 'this' to be paid for my toils of the past oh, 8 years and counting... And what the fuck am I still doing at Panera? At least I have lost some weight, but have I advanced in a healthy way? Probably, but still, lots of "work" to be done...

Poor me. So anyway, I sat down with Anna for a bit and started to make a list of things I need to do to at least not be miserable all the time. She has essentially asked me what my drive is. What is motivating me? There is a great quote that she has on her wall--I can't remember where I read it but it basically says that the world needs people who have come alive, so do what makes you come alive.

That's a very hard question for me to answer. I feel like I need to think about this for a long time. I found a few of my old papers a couple of weeks ago--many of them were some variation of the theme "Where will you be in 5 years?" I thought it would be nice to do that paper again, because I'm sure my views have changed. What surprised me was that that question is terrifying to me. I don't know why. I don't know when I became so tentative. It's different than laissez-faire. It's being frozen.

In fencing, you want to be in control of the action--You want your opponent to be forced to choose between several decisions. If I attack you, and it's possible that I could hit you from the left or the right, you have two options. If I can wait until you must choose or get hit, then I should do so. After I observe you trying to block from the left, I go right and hit you.

If it's possible that I can hit you from the top, bottom, left, or right, you have 4 decisions to make. The crucial point of the time to execute the decision is called the decision point. In Motor Learning, there is actually an algorithm for how long it will take for the human brain to process the possible decisions, make one, and physically react. The more decisions the longer it takes to trigger an action.

In every moment of every day there is a decision to be made. It seems to me that one is most likely to become paralyzed when one attempts to weigh the outcomes of all possible paths, particularly when the possible options are beyond fathomability. Some get high off of this immense vastness of possibility, and others become utterly inert and intimidated by it.

I don't know when I went from being satisfied by life's uncertainty to being overwhelmed by it. I don't even know if that's really what's happening. I guess it's something.

It is difficult for me to attend to a "Middle Way" of anything. Applying this concept to nutrition has been rewarding, and easier than I thought, considering a significant contributing factor was my environment. Other aspects of my life appear to be more difficult. I have decisions to make career-wise and life-wise. In one respect I know that I have a supporting, loving partner. I likely have more support elsewhere, but it's difficult to garner support, even from one's significant other, when one does not know what he or she requires to be supported.

Some thoughts. I'll spend the next few days puzzling this one out. Dunno how much you'll hear about it, but it will take awhile. Might take a long time. Maybe I should throw myself at two overtime weeks and quit Panera. Maybe I should just be a sub and work according to my budget needs. Fuck, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I know that's really emo. I just need some work I guess.

I'll probably delete this post--it's existence probably will drag me down (and whoever reads it) when I log in next.

Tomorrow will be much better. Tonight was an improvement by far. I'll just take this one step at a time. I wonder what it's like to actually positively advance myself and not treat myself like I'm a recovering fill-in-the-blank? Why must improvement for my clan always mean "recovery?"

oi. G'night folks. We'll see about that "5 years from now" essay.

--MCSM