This is a pretty depressing entry probably, and maybe even more LJ material than anything, but I'm going to post it here because this blog is about my health and it also has a much more limited, intimate audience.

I'm pretty depressed lately. I don't know why. I'm enjoying myself, but I just feel trapped in something, I don't know what. I think it could be just plain and simple anxiety from all the stuff that's happening this semester. It's been a plausible, convenient excuse.

I find myself fighting to keep some aspects of my life simple. I strive for a simple lifestyle, and a big part of that is living an intentionally healthy one. However, I find that it takes effort that is frustrating, and if there is any guilt whatsoever built into a decision made that will affect health, it can send one on a spiral of poor health and poor decisions quickly.

We see this happen a lot when someone decides they have irrevocably cheated on their diet. “Well, I already screwed this up, may as well have another piece of cake…” Obviously, only having one piece is better than having two, but fighting the guilt is much harder than doing the math.

In my previous entry, Anna and I went out to eat at Mexican just to have fun and celebrate and stuff. We (I, more likely) haven’t stopped eating like that. I tried to make good decisions at some restaurants—I tried to stock up on sushi at the Asian buffets rather than stock up on the General Tso’s, which probably saved me hundreds of calories, but it’s time to get real again.

Since I have an extended weekend every week, I can already see a cycle of “getting back on track” and “letting myself go” just because of time management. It’s very easy to rationalize doing this, and if I just plain don’t want to walk the line, I can get very cranky. I’m not particularly cranky right now I don’t think, but it IS almost 4:30 am, and I was on an awesome sleep schedule until precisely 3:30 Thursday afternoon, then the naps and the staying up took over my body by storm.

I often don’t even mind working out, it’s just that I’m stubborn enough that if you tell me we should run at three in the afternoon, I will say we should run at two or four just to have the final say. That may have something to do with how important it is for me to “own” my workout. So I hope I work out more than just when I have scheduled to run with Anna.

I also love to hang out with friends, and that usually entails a late night. I need to manage that better. It feels strange to schedule a day, but the only reason I’ve lost any weight at ALL so far is because I’ve declared a goal and tried to stick with it.

I believe I weigh 238-240 right now. I doubt I’ve plateau’d, but just reigning in the taco bell isn’t going to carry me much farther past this. I need to buy a good pair of shoes and then cut my debit card in half and make cash withdrawal s from the bank if I truly need cash. I’m not hurting for money, but T. Bell comes easy and having money when I need it is never a guarantee.

Anyway, Anna and I are supposed to run in the morning I think. She’s going to ask me if I want to run, I’m going to explain to her that I’m exhausted (any other point in my life I would just as soon sleep until 1:30—that makes me anxious rather than proud. Weird.) and I’m going to try real hard to go running with her and not make her cry.

My feet have recovered from bruising despite my trying to keep them inundated with extra pounds from food and such. Tomorrow will be the litmus test for how soon I need to buy shoes. If my feet are killing me Tuesday, it’s time for shoes—if they are not, I can wait till this weekend lol.

Okay I’m falling asleep on the couch, time to go spoon my lady and zonk out for about 6 hours before getting to it.

Oh, one last thing. Monday is going to be “Productive Detox Day.” I can see that being an acronym that Anna and I use for an extended time. “Can we have a PDD soon?

In other news, there are a variety of intramural sports available for play that I need to get into! Badminton intramurals are available—I needs be gettin’ in on that shit.

Really falling asleep now, I just had a spare minute so I thought I’d share. Good night!

--matt