Oh man, has not been a good few weeks.
Next week I think I'm going to get back on the running program again. At least get some kind of workout going. I have the judo bug, I think I need to make that happen soon.
I need to simplify a lot of things in my life right now anyway. I'm cleaning my room tonight, and I'm going to try to tie up all the loose ends that have been developing this week, some tonight, some tomorrow. Probably going to stay up for quite awhile because I slept for so damn long today.
I'm kind of getting depressed, I don't know why. I had a migraine today, but it's an effort not to say 'fuck it' sometimes. Still in a scrambling effort to do the right thing and be nice and simple. I did some good journal writing the other day. Need to do more. Yes, you read that right, I just wrote about writing about writing.
Anyway, I'm making a concerted effort to enjoy life a lot more. I'm trying to get good grades, but I'm kind of noticing where I place my worries. I spend a lot of time wondering what I should be doing and how things should look and what I'm deficient in blah blah blah.
What happened? I remember wandering the streets of BG during a pleasantly sunny, snow-covered day, hopping into a game store to bullshit with the owner before raiding the UCF library and then going to the community library. I walked back to campus, did some homework at the computer lab, ate some food at the cafeteria and then went back to my dorm to blast some music and do some studying when I wasn't losing to Kyle in Mario Baseball. Good times huh?
God, fuck that, how about staying up until 3, 4, 5...7am talking about how to make the biggest splash in society? How about those times when we knew that playing games and socializing and sharing ideas was more than just games and socializing? How about when we had time to do it?
Remember when we used to dream? Em just asked Anna and I something to the effect of what our dreams were. We both just kind of stirred out drinks and looked at the table, fumbling for something to say. I swear on my life I thought I'd never see that happen, but I experienced it, and it still feels awful.
So what happens when I graduate? I always considered college the rite of passage prior to the 9-5 job. I think I'm gonna enjoy teaching, but there's so much shit I have to consider outside of that.
Why do we comply with this life? I guess it's because they have what we want. Sometimes I'm a Type B staying afloat in a Type A world, and it's such a bad fit sometimes that I get a migraine just thinking about it. At what point does education truly become empowering instead of teaching us to comply? Especially at the college level? What will I tell my students?
When will we stop dismissing the so-called "counter-culture" icons? When will we stop treating a child or an adult's predilictions towards anti-conformist social responsibility as a cute phase? When will we stop breaking people instead of building them up?
When will we say we are in the business of empowering students, and mean it?
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