Okay, so now for a positive affirmation.

I came to the realization that I was nowhere near how good I could be, and that I hadn't actually tapped ALL of my former coaches' knowledge. And even if I did, if I had gotten to the point where he could not teach me more or improve my game, it would have been totally understandable to seek someone else out.

I think that still applies here. Become as good as possible, and seek out better fencers and coaches as required. Like, duh right?

Still, it's going to come down to my putting the time in, and being super honest competitively. Better start sniffing around now. I have tournaments in the Fall!

--MCSM

Take THAT, Dead Horse!

So I reluctantly publicly comment on the state of my health. Very slow going, but not getting worse? Ugh, why even write about it? But I feel incidentally good about starting anew yet again. Fall seven times, get up eight I guess. I'm reluctant to write about health anymore, at least personal health, because so much of an entry like this requires me to set up a conflict to over come. I've felt for a long time that personal blogging can become a substitute for progress. If I'm sitting in front of my computer, then I'm not being active, and therefore if I'm putting words on the page, it sure looks like I've broken through the pre-contemplation stage to the great beyond of personal success.

Fitness does not feel like a health blog, though it can. It is a feeling. I feel it going away already, like someone telling you what to do. I resent when someone tells me how to be healthy, and I don't know why, but it is a feeling shared by many. When I tell it to myself it becomes a self-loathing process. Is this a bizarre form of psychopathy? I have no idea. But all the tough love and public goal setting doesn't really help. It feels like it does. It may provide a clue as to the orientation of the attribution of my health status, but it is not my health, which is important to remember. I suppose I'm talking to you as well, if you're reading this.

You don't read a lot about people who fail their health quests. Actually, you almost never read about a health blog unless someone was always healthy or formerly unhealthy. Unless you're Ruby. Then you're on your way.

I'm hardly at "Ruby" status. But my identity as a (cough, former, cough) athlete is in tatters, and it's tough to move with any kind of certainty. If you've come this far then you're entertaining the thought of my deficiencies, so deal. I don't want this to be about "poor me I had a Big Mac." So why bother writing? This really is therapeutic. In my own desire for attention and approval, it's an exercise in restraint to NOT tell those most intimate to me that I update it. Like a cryptic facebook status about some people, I have thrown this into a corner of cyberspace for the occasional bored browser, a cyber-addict like me, to click through, highlight, forget, re-read, and move on.

That seems scathing and perhaps unfair. I'm not pessimistic, but I AM trying to be realistic while also maintaining a sense of hope and momentum. I probably shouldn't read books about whether or not we have Free Will during this endeavor. Once I found out being an athlete was a choice it almost killed me. So much of my identity is soldiering on because I have to. A cause projected onto an arbitrary activity can be liberating provided you don't know it's malleable. That shouldn't diminish the meaning, but for me it somehow does. A rebel with out a cause. Or something.

So even though I might sound like a late-20-something clinging desperately to the youthful version of a former self, here goes another round of healthy living. I suppose as a P.E. teacher it's appropriate to function in units that are only a few weeks long before switching to something else. Okay I'm done with that joke, and that attitude.

The best time to start a diet is tomorrow. No more food for me tonight, and a healthy weekend ahead. Let's see how it goes. SMART goal number one: Keep under 2,000 calories and burn 300 through activity tomorrow. SMART goal number two: Wake up before 8am on the weekends. And so on.

Peace,
MCSM

I seem to be keeping under a 2000 cal/day diet. That is a challenge for me, but lately it hasn't been too bad. I was genuinely inspired by Anna's "volumetrics" TV Spot awhile ago--It really is better to eat a bunch of fruits and veggies and high-water things than to drop 500 calories on a single burrito at Taco Bell.

I've been doing calisthenics a lot, which is new to me, but it is enjoyable. I like that I'm feeling stronger. I've woken up on the right side of 220 for a few mornings in a row now, which tells me I'm making progress. I think the 210's is where I don't look enormous. While I still fall off the truck now and then, it's interesting to me that I can almost sense when momentum happens. I feel like I'm back on a healthy track again.

Trying to put more fruits and veggies in my diet--eating broccoli or a Green Giant steamer whenever I can--making myself eat apples and tangerines whether I want to or not. It's funny there because I never don't enjoy them, but I don't want to start eating them. Like ripping off a band-aid or something bizarre like that.

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of yoga lately, some weight lifting, and calisthenics. I know that I need more aerobics in there. Fencing will do that tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to order some gear soon. It will be nice to own that again. Then I can just wander into any club and get some practice in.

I wonder if it's true that it is cheaper to eat more healthy or less healthy. I wonder if $1.00 cheeseburger is really cheaper than beef and a loaf of bread plus toppings. But then, how sustainable is it, personally or environmentally to have a diet like that?

When I deprive myself of bad food or opportunities to get bad food, I become healthy. When I have a wad of cash burning a hole through my pocket, I eat poorly. It's the same when I visit home or other places. I've been trying to eat canned vegetables and fruits before they go bad, and it makes me eat them, which is really good for me. I will try to keep this up--I need to be careful about skimping on things I will eat and are good for me, and also be careful about splurging on things that are awful for me.

For example, a type of fruit may be expensive, but if I eat it, then it's worth it, no?
I need to say the same thing to myself about classes and exercise--if I participate, how bad can it be?

--Of course, is that any way for someone who wants to earn their USFA rating to talk? Oi... London in 1.5 years. Wowee.

--MCSM

Trying to keep at or under 2000 calories per day. I think my major cheats today was having an extra helping of Triscuits (man, two blog entries in a row where I cite that as something I can't resist... good PR?) and of course I'm slowwwwly taking down Anna's mother's cheesecake. Edit: I've slowwwwly finished Anna's mother's cheesecake.

Today's damage:

Banana + Nature's valley for breakfast: 350
Tuna sandwich + Soup for lunch: 400 + 120= 520
Pasta + Veggies for dinner + Grapes: 350+120+ 150= 620

1490

Triscuit snacks (250)
Ugh, do I have to count the cheesecake? (250)

Still nailed under 2000 somehow hahaha.

Better not ruin that.

K, time for hot tea and bed. This morning's weight: 224.

Rough start, but it went okay. I had a weird snacking binge when I got home, then I took a nap. I took about 2 hours to psyche myself up to workout. Nothing major, just some old fencing exercises, some basic calisthenics, and I did some standing high-jumps. That was weird.

Sometimes I feel like my legs don't move when I want them to. I don' tknow if it's a training/strength thing or if it's a nerve thing or both. I would entertain both.

Also, I found out I'm capable of throwing an outside crescent kick with both legs without shattering my spine. Progress?

I won't do a calorie count today. It was all over the place. Probably not in excess of 2200, but I had lots of weird food today. Leftover pizza, Triscuits, quesadilla, peanut butter sandwich, mandarin oranges, granola bars... a lot of salt and fat, and some other stuff on the side. I suppose the little victory of the day was acknowledging that I already did that today so take it into account when I choose my food for later in the day.

Two days left of school!

I miss Anna a ton.
--MCSM

Long time no write again! It's three days until my first winter break as a real live, employed teacher! So it's about half a month before the new year, so it's going to be time for me to take stock of the year of o' 10... One thing you may have noticed if you read this thing at ALL is that I hardly post here.

I hardly post on my LJ too. Facebook is the social networking choice of mine for now. Unfortunately it's not much for recreation or self-analysis--it's all a big grok of pictures and what you had for lunch. I say it's not my speed but the ability to refresh ANYTHING makes those dopamines and related chemicals wash over the brain more thoroughly than any WoW session might. So it's about time for those New Year's Resolutions.

My friend Alex just wrote me a long message. It seems to echo a lot of what I've felt lately. This is supposed to be a public account of my own health habits. I have had a LOT of life changes this year and last. I lost a good amount of weight the first half of the year. Once I moved to my new place, I've slowly gained a lot of it back. I'm surprised at how much I have gained back. Though I am healthier than I was just over a year ago, I have certainly "slipped."

So--despite the fact that I have 3 days of work left and then a "vacation" of two weeks, I hope to continue on a good clip of weight loss and good health choices like I was doing last year. Very interesting. Last year I was walking in freezing temperatures to Panera and wondering if I would ever get a teaching job. 400 miles away and a year later, I'm responsible for teaching almost 200 kids how to be healthy and responsible adults. I suppose it's time to do the same for me eh?

It's late right now (12:15. gotta teach in 8 hours). But I'll be dragging my tired ass to the rec center at my apt. complex for the first time (it's December. Sad, right?)

I think I weigh about 223 right now. Maybe more. I actually hit 210 awhile ago. Sloooowly climbed back up. Time to get back down again and actually hit up some fencing now that I should theoretically be able to afford it. It will be fun.

Ducks are waddling into row formation. and since the holidays seem to be my time to lose rather than gain weight, here's hoping I break the 210 mark and then some!

Have a good one. See you tomorrow night.
--MCSM

Long time no write. I got a job, I moved to a new city, and I've been working for about two months now. Whew!

I e-mailed Andy Tulleners, a man who has become the head fencing coach at Cleveland State. I remember fencing him and his brother at Columbus tournaments when I was growing up. They were real fun to fence--both of them had plenty of tricks up their sleeves. It's good to see Andy still throwing steel.

I'm leery of the other fencing clubs--I'm just not used to paying an arm and a leg for lessons, and I'm not used to going into a club to take lesson after lesson--as much as I used to fence I have no idea what it's like to go through a "curriculum." Many fencing coaches have a classical air to them, one that does not sit well with me. I should probably get over it so I can at least have a coach.

Besides, there are a lot of classical principles that I'm sure I don't have in my repertoire. I learned a counter-six flick before I learned a basic bind.

Anyway... glad to find a contact. Gonna start with CSU. We'll see where it goes from there.